While as a woman we all have some form of body issues I had never had huge issues with my body before pregnancy. Nothing changes your body quite like having a baby! It is an emotional and physical roller coaster. Nothing quite prepares you for the changes you go through. I've always had a slender yet athletic build and loved it!
The excitement of finding out your pregnant is enthralling. The first time you see your belly poke out you get so excited. On the flip side you immediately get self conscious because that initial phase you feel like rather than looking pregnant you just look fat. From there your belly grows more. There is a moment of bliss later in your second trimester where your belly is round enough you look cute and pregnant but not yet to the size where you can't function. Third trimester is a completely different story. You keep thinking you can't get any bigger yet you do. You can't get comfortable no matter what you do and even the simplest tasks become incredibly difficult!
My last week of pregnancy was the worst. I had been dilated for over a month and was having mild contractions for a week. I had to stop working a week before my induction as I couldn't sit at my desk chair for more than an hour or two without extreme discomfort. I would play classical music on my phone and hold it between my legs to try and sooth him so he wouldn't kick so much.
That last week I lived on the couch trying to readjust every few minute with tears streaming down my face daily. Somewhere in the early 3rd trimester I stopped looking at the scale when I'd go to my checks. I was 127lbs before getting pregnant. I stopped looking at the scale when it started hitting the high 180's and that was about 2 months before Will was born so I have to imagine I was around 200.
Once you give birth you have this vision of the weight literally melting away as the baby comes out. THIS IS NOT THE CASE!! I still felt and looked pregnant for weeks to months after. The swelling is something you don't think about. Your body is swollen for weeks and you still look like you are somewhere between 2nd and 3rd trimester. If there is any advice I could give it's to spend money on comfortable clothes for those first few months postpartum. It is worth the money!
At Will's first week newborn check up I was riding the elevator with Will in the stroller and a woman asked me how many months pregnant I was..... The baby was right there in front of her eyes and she asked me how many months I was! I tried to calming respond telling her I was 5 days postpartum. The woman quickly realize how silly her question was and congratulated me awkwardly. At that point I was about 187lbs.
Everyone tells you oh don't worry the weight will come off, or just watch what you eat. If you're breast feeding you have to eat more, and it certainly doesn't feel like the weight will come off! At first the weight comes off quickly which feels great! Your postpartum emotions are all over the place so seeing the numbers on the scale go down is one of the few things you feel good about. Then you stall!
I've always had smaller breasts. I loved having them fill out! I woke up one morning and my breasts doubled in size overnight. In one night I had more stretch marks than normal breast tissue. I went from admiring my beautiful new accessory to crying over the stretch marks.
Due to all of Will's immediate medical needs working on myself wasn't an option. Unfortunately I often go to food during stressful situations for comfort. During the craziest times of Will's medical journey I would either find myself eating constantly, or so upset I couldn't even force food down. One week in particular I lost almost 10lbs as I was so upset I was never hungry and when I tried to eat I just found myself getting nauseous. Because I was not eating yet still breast feeding I would get light headed and feel like passing out. Not long after that I would eat icing right out of the container at night while I decompressed. We often find food comforting as it is one of the few things that engages all of our senses; touch, smell, sound, sight, and most of all taste.
Nothing about my postpartum weight loss in those first 6 months was healthy. My body image was just 1 more thing bringing me down. The one thing that did help was investing in clothes that fit and looked good. I had tried to avoid buying more clothes at first as my maternity clothes didn't fit right but I was no where near fitting into my normal clothes. We were constantly going to appointments and I only had 1 or 2 outfits that were comfortable and fit. I got online and bought sweaters, leggings, and tops that actually fit and were functional for being on the go and nursing. I bought nursing tanks, loose cardigans, and postpartum leggings. Best investment was the postpartum leggings! I would highly recommend them! https://www.motherhood.com/products/mama-prima-seamless-compression-post-pregnancy-leggings-006-94502-000-001
It wasn't until the 6th or 7th month post partum I was ready to exercise and TRY to change my eating. As I began to look into postpartum work outs I saw articles about diastasis recti. This is were the abdominal wall is separated. This is common in pregnancy however if the separation is significant it can lead to a hernia and extreme discomfort as well as other medical complications. There is a simple check for this. Lay on you back, put on hand behind head, lift head and flex. Hold the position while you feel your abdomen with your fingers. I measured a two finger gap for myself. I called my doctor and was told to not worry unless I have pain or the gap doesn't decrease after a year of being postpartum. The reason it's so important to check for this is that if you do in fact have diastasis there are some exercises you want to avoid. Things like crunches can actually run the risk of increasing the separation.
Before I change my eating and started to add light exercises I was 160lbs. Since starting I'm down to 153lbs in a little over a month. It's important to remember no matter your body type or postpartum journey you are not alone! Postpartum is a shit show no one prepares you for. Yes your baby is beautiful and you love them. The lack of sleep, amount of blood, swollen sore abdomen, and copious amounts of emotions flowing through you is something you don't understand until you go through it. There is nothing pretty about this time other than your littles face.
Best Recommendations
1. No matter what stage of pregnancy or postpartum you are in BUY NEW CLOTHES. It is so important when nothing about your body feels your own to feel comfortable in your clothes.
2. This journey is full of ups and downs, reach out to others who have been through it! The emotions can easily get the better of you, find someone who understands the process to talk to.
3. Take your time! Don't be in a rush to change your eating and exercise that's not what your body needs right away so don't put that pressure on yourself. You'll know when the timing is right. For me it was once things had calmed down and Will was in a good daily routine.
4. Find the 1 thing about your body you like and flaunt it! For me that is my boobs. I wear all the V-necks now that I couldn't before.
It is ok to not be ok! It is ok do not love your body! And it is absolutely ok to cry about it! Try to be comfortable, and find someone you can connect with! The more I felt understood the less depressed I felt. Hang in there, you are not alone!
